Taking Back Passion

Depression can drain you, it can kill everything inside you that lights up the darkness. When I was a young girl writing was my passion, I loved to put pen to paper create magical worlds that played out my fantasy’s but as I got older and the rules set in when teachers criticised my writing for lacking in certain areas and eventually depression got its claws on me the passion faded into nothing.

Writing became a chore for me something I had to do to pass tests or write out a to do list. But even I have to admit now my writing comes from my heart, the feelings I have that I am now expressing, instead of my mind gives me hope that the empty hole where my one love used to be can be filled again slowly but surely.

Do any of you have a passion depression has stolen from you? Imagine the small steps you can take to take it back we can fight this together!

Sleepless Nights

So I managed to wake myself up from a nightmare last night.

It was weird to say the least and I was just lying there in the dark wondering how strange our brains are. I remember countless nights as a child wishing so strongly to be able to awake from a nightmare but having to see it through until morning but now the nightmare is in the waking world I can’t help but return to it so easily.

Anxiety has a bad habit of bleeding into our dreams so now I have no escape from the fear that only lies inside my mind. I have every belief I will  be able to fight this off though and so can you it just takes hope and determination to see it through and on a positive note aliens from Dr Who were in my nightmare so at least me and my little sister could finally connect over one of my anxiety fuelled moments.

One of those days…

So today was not good, as I have been in a major slump lately I have been quite messy. So I lost my overnight spot cream no big deal I will find it tomorrow so I went to sleep last night without it.

Bad idea I woke up with a giant spot on my face and I am now sitting here with toothpaste smothered on my face, upturned bedroom, and a found bottle of cream. Really annoyed at myself.

My anxiety can trigger me to go crazy over the small things and I have now decided I must clear everything up, get rid of all the things I don’t need anymore, and organise all my cupboards over one spot.

Whilst I am aware tidying up would be a very good thing, the place of motivation is not the idea in my head that if I do all of this it won’t happen again I know is silly but my anxiety makes me fixate till the job is done and I am worn out.

Remember when your mind is fixating to try an take a step back for a moment and see the bigger picture. I will tidy up because I don’t like mess but it will not solve all my problems and I need to learn to understand that.

Autumn 2016

OK it is officially my favourite time of year.

I am sitting on my bed with the windows open and duvet on listening to Destiny’s Child. Happy Days!

I was born in August 1994 in the middle of a heat wave but I love being cold more than anything.

Autumn is amazing for so many reasons candles, blankets, coats, boots, walks in the rain and hot chocolate. Not to mention the countdown to Christmas!!

When you live with a mental illness it becomes so important to appreciate the little things in life.

What are your favourite things about Autumn? Do you have any suggestions of things I should do or try this season?

 

 

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Why you don’t see me anymore

 

I have friends one’s who don’t know about my issues they live locally to me so we meet up near my house we talk and have fun hang out when I’m up for it. I had friends who knew about my issues, they lived in London which whilst not far is far enough my anxiety won’t let me travel there.

They don’t see me anymore, some people don’t understand how limiting and soul destroying you not reaching out to them can be. You see Essex was too far for them to travel to so I had to go to them same journey, same amount of time. My anxiety makes me want to stay close to home to the comfort and safety of my bed where nothing can hurt me but my own thoughts. They didn’t even realise what they were asking me to do was in my head like asking me to jump out of a car driving at 80mph on a motorway and to just hope for the best.

I don’t blame them many people don’t understand as they haven’t been through it but it just highlights why we need to bring more awareness to mental health issues, we need people to understand so we can make it better together. Cancer patients aren’t the only ones curing cancer everyone stand together in an amazing way to help them fight and we suffers shouldn’t be the only ones trying to solve mental health issues. We need someone to hold our hands when we are in the dark

So to the friends who never came to see me I forgive you and I love you.

And to my current and future friends thank you for understanding and accepting me. x

It’s OK to spend all day in Bed!

Yes its been one of “those” days.

Sometimes fighting shadows is tough, sometimes it just takes it out of you and all the energy you have is to sit in bed all day watching Downton Abbey.

You’ll feel guilty all the things that needed to be done all the people you let down. They’ll be there tomorrow.

My anxiety drains me the constant worry and panic on top of everyday activities is draining and I was always determined to fight through it, until this week. I got a cold nothing big but it stopped my drained exhausted mind and body in its tracks forget my never-ending to do list I couldn’t even walk up the stairs.

Our bodies beg us to rest but we live in a world which never sleeps, so we don’t but we need to and shouldn’t feel ashamed too.

Sarah’s Shadow

Living with a mental illness can be like having a shadow. It clouds over who you really are people can see the shadow but do not know you are not the shadow. Sometimes when you look in the mirror all you see is the shadow so you forget you aren’t the shadow.

The shadow hides things from you, the good things, the people who care look dark and scary when you’re in the shadow. You can’t always see the light when you’re in the shadow.

We are all just looking for the light switch in our brain to cast away the shadow but in the dark we can’t find it. But I will keep searching for mine, I have to I will find the light.